Something More Than Quiet

Day 24

            I thought homeschooling would be hard. I contemplated daily the struggles I assumed I would encounter willing my four and a half year old to listen to me, respect me, and learn from me on purpose and at scheduled times. Twenty four days into our school year and twenty two of those days have run not just smoothly but peacefully and with joy and enthusiasm. As Eli continues to prove his eagerness to learn I continue to show my eagerness to teach through individually, hand-crafted lesson plans and field trips.

            I thought I would teach Eli through monthly thematic units but then September’s unit based on our field trip to the Discovery Space and Science Museum never took off. I lit the fuse and gave the count down but by early October I sat back and realized I never even built the space shuttle. Just because I said I would teach thematically, to just about everyone who would listen, did not make the lesson plans materialize.

            As I planned for October’s field trip to the train museum in Sacramento I had another afternoon ripe with intention to create a thematically based unit when reality hit me up side the head. Among all the titles in an ocean of books, those for pleasure, those for education and those for lesson planning I noticed I had one maybe two books on the topic of trains. Hmmm, thematically planned units may be taking a back seat in order to fully utilize the books and materials I do have.

            What I did not expect from homeschooling was the solidarity. The core group is us, me, Elijah and Luca. I once had fantastical ideas of meeting up with other homeschool moms and their children to play in the park and travel together to field trips. But despite my dozens of olive branches I have put out there none have been reciprocated. Loneliness has always been in my life despite being happily married, loved by my family and having a vey close relationship with my mom. Years of yearning to be connected to a group of like minded women, to be one of the gang, one of the girls has often weighed heavily on my heart. But in the midst of the loneliness I have come to know who those are that are  most important in my life, God and my family. My boys that I cherish. My husband that I adore. My parents that I love so much. And Christ, who is always there, a shining beacon in the shadow of solitude.

            Something More Than Quite

I am the reacher to those who don’t reach back,

            Sending out olive branches left to flutter in the gust of those who blew me off.

I am the step mom, though not of the “cool house”. Less wicked than Maleficent, less    strict than Machiavelli. 

I am the teacher to those untaught.

            Those who roll their eyes and write in text.

I am the one who wants to connect, to reach out and be reached for back.

I am the one who searches for the bond of belonging.

I am the one who leaves the mark.

             My own mark on my own heart.

I am the one who is waiting for someone to leave their indelible mark on me,

            Something more than shunned. Something more than dissed.

            Something more than quiet.